Friends!!

I’ve always valued my friends, but COVID has highlighted how powerful and essential they are to our wellbeing.

For many this blog post will seem obvious. For others, especially introverts, it might seem challenging. This is my take on the state of friendships.

COVID helped us to clarify what’s important for so many aspects of our lives. As confinement freed up chunks of time we used to devote to making plans, commuting and traveling, finding parking and focusing on what we now realize are nonessential activities, most of us have had more time to reach out to friends and family (with the exception of those who had to homeschool unexpectedly – can’t imagine!). Personal relationships we may have taken for granted in the before times we appreciate so much more now.

I am lucky to be part of a weekly Friday night happy hour with a group of girlfriends that began early in the pandemic. At 5 pm each Friday, we’ve schmoozed but also had in-depth discussions on a wide range of topics – from silly things to important issues like white privilege. To a person we’ve found these 60-90 minutes each week to be a vital salve to an otherwise friendship-starved time. We’ve been able to cement our group relationship, but also individual ones, as we often section off into smaller groups for dinners or walks at other times. But knowing there is at least 4-5 of us (sometimes up to 10) on our weekly zoom sessions has given each of us something to look forward to as we usher in our weekends.

Be the kind of friend/family member you want to have

Before COVID, I could have set up calls with far flung friends, but I never did. During 2020’s intense COVID isolation, I finally reached out to and spoke to friends in Singapore and Moscow and across the United States that I’d lost touch with.  They were excited to connect and share pandemic experiences, but also to catch up on years of living since we last saw each other.  

Many have started regular zoom sessions with family and friends. My extended Miami family, which spent every holiday together while I was growing up, hadn’t been all together in years. But for the first Passover in 2020, and for several family members’ birthdays that year, all joined enthusiastically for zoom sessions.

Seeing each other virtually, and other heretofore underappreciated, simple things in life — like having lunch or coffee with a friend — were suddenly elevated to especially precious experiences.

While social media has its place, it can’t substitute for human interaction.

Friends are key to self-care

Moms of younger kids, in particular, tend to push friendships to the bottom of the priority list. It’s so easy to get caught up in work/family/school and let time with friends be the first thing tossed. Looking back at my intense parenting years, it was time with girlfriends that saved my sanity. I especially loved the multiple benefits that came with playdates or meals with kids and their moms/parents that proved fun for my kids and me. Walks with friends and mom’s nights-out were priceless. Carving out time to spend with friends should not feel like a luxury but rather as self-care.

Those of us lucky enough to ride out COVID or just daily life with spouses and/or kids should recognize that we all need friends outside of our homes. Some may draw a distinct line between friends and acquaintances, with the latter’s importance much diminished. For me, I love being in touch with a wide range of those I hold dear, even if I rarely see or talk to them. Who others may see as acquaintances I see as friends. These interactions have fed my soul.

I’ve been especially appreciative of how regularly connected I’ve been with my closest friends during COVID. Our frequent calls have been indispensable touchstones as we’ve navigated these crazy times, regardless of whether we live close or far apart.

Work and Travel

Cultivating friendships at work is vital too. This was not easy for me in the first 10-15 years at the US Department of Energy (DOE). At the time I entered government in the late 1980s, it was top heavy with older folks, exacerbated at DOE after a huge layoff at the end of the Reagen Administration and little subsequent hiring. Those who were not near retirement were middle aged, suburban, married men – much different than my life experience as a single woman under 30 living in the city. As time went on and working in government became more attractive and jobs more plentiful, there were many more people I could relate to. By the time I left DOE, I had wonderful friendships with all ages that continue to this day. It would have been hard to get through difficult times without being able to vent, brainstorm and laugh with my work colleagues, who became friends.  

I was lucky to get ahead of the friend appreciation phase when I retired from the Federal government in 2018. I traveled a lot for the next year and visited with friends in Europe and all over the US. It so enlarged the experience of travel. I plan to return to making it a priority to focus travel plans on seeing folks I know. Because I spent the first year of graduate school in Italy, I have an unusually large friend group from Europe, Canada, Asia and Africa. I’m so excited to see many of them at our 35^th reunion this June in Bologna, Italy.

There have been a lot of studies that show that loneliness is a key factor in poor health and early death, and not having friends is akin to smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. The best lesson from COVID is to cherish those you adore and if you haven’t seen or talked to them recently, reach out. It’s so easy to put it off, but keep in mind the health benefits of checking in. Be intentional about it. There’s nothing like having history with someone. Feed these relationships and they will grow.

My perspective:

• Be the kind of friend you want to have.
• Be intentional about checking in with a friend you haven’t been in touch with.
• Don’t wait for others to make the first move.
• If you feel you don’t have enough friends or want to develop new ones, it takes intentional effort. Get out there. Join clubs or exercise classes. Invite someone for a walk or coffee.
• Put yourself out there even if it’s tough or not natural or you’re an introvert. Ignore the awkward.

Recommended Listens:

How To Make Friends as An Adult from the HerMoney with Jean Chatzky podcast

Why Loneliness is a Health Issue from the Hidden Brain podcast