Oy! Being twenty-something right now

There’s been so much attention on mental health issues affecting our young folks (teens to thirties). They’ve been particularly impacted by COVID isolation, social media pressures, concern about climate change and gun violence, exorbitant college loans, the high cost of living, drug use (and fentanyl), the Israel-Gaza war, gender issues, etc.  Anxiety is sky high. Having twenty-something kids myself, I’m particularly attuned to issues affecting this generation.

Thus, it was gratifying to hear the podcast, “How to make the most of your twenties” (link below), with a clinical psychologist, Meg Jay, who specializes in the twenties age group.

I’ve long recognized that the twenties can be the toughest decade, as kids transition from an education-focused life to an adult life full of responsibilities and grown-up stuff (and almost no vacation time). This podcast affirms my instincts but with a positive spin.

It’s all about Uncertainty

As Jay says, the angst experienced by twenty-somethings is really about uncertainty. Uncertainty about their careers, who they will partner with, where they will live, their livelihood, and many other issues.

I remember this age well. As a recent college graduate in 1984, I made my way to New York City, with my newly earned business degree but without a job or a firm direction. I found two decent entry-level jobs but was generally unhappy with my career options even while having a blast living in such a vibrant city. I remember feeling stuck, with little confidence that I would be the star that I wanted to be. I wondered if I would ever find a mate or have kids. It was all so uncertain. I now realize that’s how many twenty-somethings feel.

A lot transpires during this decade. Think about being 21, about to graduate from college. Or 25, dealing with a first or second job or graduate school. Or 29, getting more seasoned career-wise and possibly getting married and having kids.

Taking Action

There’s been a lot written about the fear and anxiety that seems all-consuming for this age group. But according to Jay, fear and anxiety dissipates when we take steps to improve our situation. That could mean changing one’s work situation, one’s relationship or bettering ourselves in a way that improves our self-image. Such actions develop self-confidence, which is the crucial link to reducing angst.  

For me, that meant looking for a way out from my less than satisfying job. As I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts, when working at the World Trade Center in commodities trading, I seemed to be the only one in the trading room more interested in why the market moved than that it moved. I wanted to know what was happening in the world to make the gold price go up or down. My curiosity propelled me to look for a graduate program that would scratch that itch. In an age before the internet, I found a librarian at the New York Public Library to help me identify programs in international relations, a field I had never heard of. The rest is history, as I ended up getting a master’s in international relations. I left New York and have been in the Washington DC area ever since.

Life is a journey and other advice

The twenties mark our entry into adulthood, a very long-term project. Life reveals itself much more slowly than during the education years, when fifth grade is so much different than tenth grade or the first year of college.

My mother’s sage advice when I was starting out is that I likely would have five jobs before I turned 30. More formally, Dr. Joy cites the statistic that most people will have 9 jobs before 35. Knowing that my first job would probably not last calmed me down when my New York City jobs didn’t turn out as I had hoped.

We live in more unsettled, scary, and buffoonish times than I can ever remember in my lifetime. It’s no wonder mental health is a serious concern, especially for younger adults. Here is some advice to deal with the uncertain twenties, gleaned from the podcasts cited below:

• Life is not neat and linear for anyone, even if it appears otherwise. Everyone struggles at some point.

• Be open, thoughtful and a good listener. This draws people to you and helps develop important life and social skills that will always serve us positively.

• Embrace connection as catharsis. Covid taught us how much we humans are social animals and need social contact. It seems harder than ever for young folks to separate from their cell phones, approach others or even make a phone call. However, being the one who reaches out to others – beyond social media posts — will pay dividends. Make the first move and invest meaningfully in friendships. 

• Consider what growth experiences you need. A new skill? New friends? A creative outlet? There’s more access than ever to a solution, so put energy into that.

• Think and reflect. Take the time to process your thoughts about everything. About what you like or don’t like about a job, your relationship, friends. Then, remember to apply these thoughts or concerns as you go through life. For example, apply what you’ve liked in managers (and purposely avoid what you didn’t like) when it’s your time to manage others. Use lessons learned in previous relationships to communicate about how you want to be treated in a current romantic relationship. Think about your decision to say yes or no to opportunities or suggested activities. Do you want to do X or Y? It takes thought to know whether you want to or not, and why. Your phone’s notes app is great to record your thoughts.

Tips for Parents

For parents, Meg Joy says that we need to stop panicking and pathologizing our kids’ struggles.

Our job is to prepare our kids for the path, but not to create the path. Overcoming obstacles and developing their own success is what leads to vital skills development and self-confidence. We are no longer our adult children’s managers. We are only advisors, if asked to be. Often, it’s OUR anxiety that causes us to rush in, not necessarily their needs. Her advice seems obvious but is a good reminder.

As a culture, we tend to be nostalgic for our twenties. But that’s only because with hindsight, we know how things actually evolved. For those in their twenties, the struggles are real. Let’s view this age for what it is – an amazing decade of fun and relatively light responsibilities but at the same time filled with fears about an uncertain future.

Today’s Gen Z and younger Millennials are truly a unique age group. While all generations have had their challenges, today’s young folks are affected by political, cultural, and social craziness to an absurd degree. They also have distinct competence as digital natives and the worldliness that comes with that. Of course, this has positive and negative implications.

For the twenty-somethings I know, I’m in awe of their resourcefulness, clarity of mind and less interest in materialistic accumulation. I am looking forward to seeing how they surmount their challenges, and with this wisdom, lead us into the future.

Recommended Listens:

How to make the most of your twenties with Meg Jay from the WorkLife podcast withAdam Grant

How to Make America’s Young People Happier Again from the Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos